What We Have Here Is A Failure To Communicate

Communication has always been a hot topic for me. It always will be. Recently an acquaintance asked for input to a situation she was struggling with. She asked the question, "Why is it that when a woman is assertive she is considered a bitch?" Good question.

With that question asked, let's look at "gender" privilege for a moment. Why is it that a man can speak more forcefully and yet a woman is not afforded the same privilege? Oftentimes the woman will be labeled as pushy, abrasive or a bitch. How can a woman be strong and assertive, and yet avoid creating a negative or poor reputation for herself? Are women being stereotyped? Yes, in some instances they are and it's unfortunate. Is there privilege associated with speaking forcefully?

In a 2009 Psychology Today article titled "Assertive or Aggressive - Are Men Assertive and Woman Aggressive?" Gabriela Cora states "This is the quintessential question. We tend to say a man is aggressive when he's about to strike at his opponent's jugular while many refer to women who assert themselves as aggressive, instead. Is this a double standard?"

Stereotyping and gender privilege aside, let's talk about communication styles. A thin line exists between being assertive and being aggressive. Assertiveness is the ability to express our desires and opinions in a FIRM YET RESPECTFUL manner. Aggressiveness is FORCING your thoughts and ideas on another person in a bullying manner. Unfortunately, some people view assertiveness and aggressiveness as the same.

Assertiveness is firm, but polite.
Speak in courteous, conversational tone.
Friendly eye contact.
Open and relaxed body language
Considers others feelings
Participative group behavior

Aggressiveness is firm, but impolite.
Speaking using loud, intrusive tones.
Glares
Rigid body language
Considers self only
Controlling group behavior

Often people think they are acting assertively when they are really acting aggressively. That mistake is often accidental. People are simply trying to have their needs met.

Remember, being assertive isn't the same as being rude. It's about letting people know what you need, and what work needs to be done, in a direct way. Workplaces are a melting pot of communication styles and personalities. Miscommunication can happen quickly and easily. As a woman (or a man) we need to be aware of how we communicate. We need to modify our message to our target audience or to the culture of our organization.

Patience must be developed, human nature must be considered. There must always be a space between listening and reacting.